Motherhood Incorporated

By Lisa Mendell

I was reading the article How To Make Up Your Mind To Succeed in Reader’s Digest as I was waiting to get my hair cut and a lot of the points made perfect sense – what you would call “common sense” advice.  One point that stuck with me was

Mind-set is key to finding success for yourself and your children

It also explains the difference between a fixed and a growth mind set, and why the latter is better for us and children. The web site brainology.us explains the growth mind set in more detail and shows that we are all born with this, as it’s what makes us able to survive in the world. To read the article, as well as find other tips on sucess and how failure can be a positive thing, visit http://www.rd.com/your-america-inspiring-people-and-stories/how-to-make-up-your-mind-to-succeed/article126730.html

I never thought about failure making us stronger, but a lot of people have proven it true, including Harry Potter auther JK Rowling. Who would have thought?

By Sandra Beck

It was definitely harder to set up play dates with the workings Mums. It was less ‘see you at Club’ and more ‘let’s check the calendar’.  However, I found that the time pressure seemed to put the friendships on fast-forward. When I ‘clicked’ with someone, we quickly progressed to ‘come to my house on Saturday afternoon’ – rather than shyly circling around each other ‘see you same place next week, I guess’.

My closest mum friend is a lady from my company. We briefly spoke when we were both pregnant with our second. She went back to work quite quickly – but her occasional phone calls were always a treat. Our kids went to the same nursery for six months – and constantly nag us to set up play dates. When we do get together, the kids go and do something destructive in the corner, while we drink strong coffee and share scandalous office gossip. She was disarmingly frank about the challenges of working motherhood – we don’t need to feel defensive of our choices around each other. 

I like to think of my working mum friends as an underground network. We don’t have clubs, schedules, groups or premises. We sometimes go for six months without speaking – but pick up seamlessly where we left off.

We’re not visible as a group.

Occasionally sighted but only in pairs. Communicating electronically with late night emails and the occasional one liner from a palm top computer. I’m sometimes amazed where my friends networks go – hierarchy gets forgotten when you have children the same age. I wouldn’t be without them. They’re an invisible net of support – feeding me crucial information when I’m out of the office, generously sharing childcare anecdotes when I’m in the office. We watch each others backs – we always hear about it if a mum gets discriminated against, or when a working mum does well. Mummy mafia? Perhaps…

www.motherhoodincorporated.com

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By Sandra Beck

It’s ironic. Cooking is meant to be the ultimate domestic goddess occupation. Why is it that the aftermath makes my kitchen look like a hovel?

I’d lovingly plan, chop, sauté, and present the food attractively. The kids would push it around their plate. “It’s a bit spicy for me” my som would comment “and today I don’t like peppers. Can I have just bread instead?”. My effort would have earned me the sound of ‘scrape scrape scrape’ into the bin, and a kitchen full of dirty pans and chopping boards at the point of the day when I just needed to lie down.

Then I found it. The cheapest, scruffiest part of my kitchen armory, costing less that a decent saucepan. I love it so much I’d kiss it, if it wasn’t generally full of scalding hot stew. It’s my little secret shortcut – the ‘wife’ I’d love to have. “Come by for dinner tonight” I can now boldly say. These days, I’m not inviting people to watch me sweat in the kitchen, keeping toddlers away from the hot oven by pushing them back with my feet. It’s the working mother’s best friend – the slow cooker!

I’ve learned to plan my meals in advance. It saves money and it helps me eat healthier. Most of all it means I can cook on auto-pilot without using any of my scarce spare brain capacity. When I’m up in the morning, I know what’s meant to be for dinner. I can start the ‘Slocker’ (as we affectionately call it) straight away. I’ll put some chopped onions and celery in there with a teaspoon of oil, and leave it on ‘High’ for forty minutes while I go upstairs to dress the kids. I’ll come back, chuck in some tins of tomatoes, tins of beans and a few flavorings. I turn the dial down to Low, and leave it for the whole day. I arrive back home ten hours later to the homely smell of fresh three bean chilli. Pure comfort food.

It does take a bit of trial-and-error, it’s true. I wish my model had a timer, because sometimes the food can taste a bit ‘stewed’. In particular, meat needs to be sealed in a frying pan first. However, I’ve discovered something about my kids’ tastes. They just LOVE bland and mushy.

www.sandrabeck.com

www.motherhoodincorporated.com

Smokin Hot Mama's Unite

Over the past 46 years of my life, I have learned a thing or two about myself. There has been nothing extraordinary about me or my life circumstances. I am an ordinary woman who has lived an ordinary life. Well, except for the part of me that talks to dead people. But hey, other than that one little thing, I’m just a normal gal. That is another story for another time. In spite of my otherwise conventional life, I have come to a place where I can fully accept myself…all of me…the good, the bad, the ugly, the normal and the not-so-normal.

Although this might seem to be a natural evolution of maturity, it is actually a profound transformation that forever changes everything. What I now know is that a little bit of “crazy” can be a good thing, a very good thing indeed.
You see, when I started to live freely without self-judgment, then I started truly living. I no longer care about the full figure I am wearing at midlife. Instead, I can see my own beauty, even if society cannot. I wear clothes that are comfortable, flowing and lovely. I no longer worry about dieting. I concern myself only with joy, health and balance. Happiness certainly must be correlated with health and longevity, but I don’t need a scientific study to prove it. If I happen to die a premature death, I die a happy person. So there you are.
Later in life, I have taken up belly dancing, opera singing and painting just for the fun of it. I don’t expect to be very good at these things but I do have fun. At this point in life, having fun is, well, just so much more fun than being good. And I love that I don’t have any rules to follow…hmmm, when did the rules get to be so important anyway?
When I am with other people, I don’t care about anything other than just having a good time. In fact, my bottom line has become all about the fun factor. I now choose to be around people who can laugh and be merry, who are lighthearted and joyful, and yes, who can party like there is no tomorrow. Although it may be irreverent, I can laugh at almost anything. After throwing a party, I chuckle at the number of wine bottles in my recycle bin.
I love to be with people who are accepting and free-spirited. I seek out friends who have no need or desire to view the world through the eyes of judgment and control. I believe in progress through conscious awareness but not through moral condemnation. The one thing I still need to work on is my acceptance of self-righteous, condemning people; I avoid them like the plague and have not found my peace within their presence as of yet. In fact, these folks irritate me more than anyone else, at least for now. In spite of my overall Zen demeanor, these types still cause me to bristle. But my new, enlightened strategy is to find a way to joke about it. My current irritations are great fodder for some very funny stuff as you might imagine; humor really does diffuse the irritation.
I engage in conversations freely and openly, no longer worrying about what I might say. I am authentic and true to myself. I try to laugh as much as possible whenever and wherever possible. I am serious by nature, but I am learning the art of living with grand humor. I have learned to laugh at myself, and OMG, I am hilarious.
It no longer matters to me that my kids are not the most well-behaved children on the block or may not get the best grades. What matters to me is that they are learning through their own experience and cultivating their own brand of wisdom of which self-acceptance is a part. In liberating myself, I have unwittingly liberated my children. This alone is profound and very blessed.
I don’t worry about morality because that is just another form of judgment and control. Instead I live by my one cardinal rule which is Compassion. My life became very simple and unencumbered when I finally let go of all my silly judgments and rules. I didn’t suddenly become wildly reckless and outrageously irresponsible as a result. I have become instead deeply loving and accepting of all people and all ways of living. This also helped me see the world quite clearly. Mostly, I can feel my own joy, and it feels really, really good.
In my past life, I had a perfect body, a gorgeous face and lots of attention from men (not to mention a whole boatload of repression). Today, what really tickles my fancy is that it is no longer the men who tell me that I’m sexy, it’s the women. I have had many women blurt out that they think I’m sexy, and I can assure you that there is nothing about me that meets our cultural standard of “sexy.” I am full-figured, fine-lined, stretch-marked, saggy, baggy and perfectly, ecstatically, joyfully happy. I have thrown my head back and laughed out loud more than once when told by a woman that I am sexy. However, what these women are sensing is an inner sexy that has nothing to do with superficial appearances.
I am wearing the look of genuine warmth, joy, peace and acceptance, and these attributes are monumentally magnetic in a world weary of surface appearances, masks and games. In telling my story, I am telling the story of liberation, acceptance, true happiness and lasting beauty that never ages, needs Botox or loses sex appeal. At midlife, I am one smokin’ hot mama.
If I am fortunate enough to become a smokin’ hot granny, I hope I am that ridiculous old gal who wears a rhinestone-encrusted cowboy hat, an oversized t-shirt and thigh-high vinyl boots when she dances for her lover. I hope I break a few ribs with extreme, insufferable, side-splitting laughter. I hope I have a few too many glasses of cabernet and way too much chocolate. I hope I love everyone I meet with shameless, furious, passionate abandon. I hope to become an eccentric old bird who didn’t waste a moment of her life on the things that don’t really matter. If I get my way, I have about 40 smokin’ hot years left, and there’s no good reason I can think of for turning back now.
Does this mean I am going to ride off naked into the sunset on a Harley? Maybe it does. And from now on, when you hear me counting calories, I am just figuring out how hot it’s getting in here. Oh, and can you pass me a fork? I’m digging in…

By Sandra Beck

          Attachment parenting – just for hippies?

Attachment parenting recommends that, for maximal emotional security, the child co-sleeps, breast-feeds, is carried in a sling, and in all possible ways not forced to be separate from their family adults before they initiate it themselves. Impossible for a working mum? Nicola Horlick – the London fund manager mother of 5 – practiced co-sleeping and breast-feeding. She said that after a long day at work it helped her re-bond with her babies during the night.

          Routine based

Reassuringly well planned routines can give you some predictability. You know the baby will sleep for 2 hours at a certain time, so you can plan to do some work or a business phone-call. Routines promise unbroken nights – always a boon for overstretched parents. However, it can all go out the window if your childcare does it differently to you. A little bit of flexibility can save a lot of sanity.

          Child centered parenting

Will you ever get out of the house?

          Listening to your mom

You might have turned out OK – but bear in mind that many health recommendations have changed.

          .

          Internet parenting

You can get some great, realistic, modern advice from the internet. However, unlike a book, the internet is written by many different authors – some perhaps not so scrupulous about ensuring accuracy, others who recall what they did with their own kids, but jumble up ages and stages – so advise you to to do with you 3 month old what they did with their 8 month old.  Your kids risk becoming little guinea pigs for incompatible theories.

          A bit of everything

Your baby doesn’t sleep. You read a book with a snazzy title like ‘Sleeping through in three days’. With messianic zeal you fix the blackout blinds and massage your baby’s tootsies. Four hours later crying mummy is still going back and forth to a crying baby. The next day you buy a new book and decide that you will carry your baby everywhere in a little papoose, perhaps with some womb noises to reassure him.

          Just doing your best

It’s what it all boils down to in the end!

I find that if I have given my best, done all that I could do, no matter what the outcome – even if I did throw nappies at the dog to get him out of the kitchen, I did my best and that is – as we all need to agree – enough.

www.sandrabeck.com

www.motherhoodincorporated.com

By Sandra Beck

The baby is so small, your body still remembers it. It breaks your heart to leave it. The baby squints vaguely at the light, before reaching its arms out… mmmm, milk.

The baby starts to move. He understands the hazards of the world a bit clearer now. He’ll make his disapproval known if he’s left – whether you’re going to work or just to the bathroom.

The baby is walking around; getting palpable pleasure from hitting other children with his teddies. He leaves you quite happily – but on your way out you catch a faint… was that a new word? You squint through the hinge of the closing door until the tip of your nose gets pinched.

You’ve now got a fully fledged preschooler. As they jabber to you about Alison and Maxwell and Simon’s red fire truck toy you jot down the names. You really must get to the bottom of who these ruffians are. Really, some parents don’t instill any manners in their three year olds.

Then they go to school. It’s a rude shock to find that, as parent, you’re no longer seen as the customer. More like the secretary-chauffeur, Your child is also less of a guest and more of a pupil.  You vaguely consider changing careers to become a classroom assistant so that you can make sure your child uses the bathroom regularly and wear a hat outdoors.

Then they hit the Tweens. They talk in long sentences alluding to their friends parents who are apparently in every way more accomplished, kind and liberal than you are. You are torn between applying for a position on the Board in order to set your kid a good example, and chucking it all in to stay at home baking cookies, vetting all their friends with a 100 point questionnaire.

Finally teenagers. Is it blissful to have someone who sleeps in in the mornings? The life of ease, to not need to help with their bathing or toilet. They even eat direct from the fridge you say? And don’t say a word for hours on end? My, you must have it so easy!

Take your pick, according to me – every age is hard while you are trying to balance your work with your life.

www.sandrabeck.com

www.motherhoodincorporated.com

By Sandra Beck

The age of Innocence:

“The baby is due in Spring, so I’ll have time to get back in shape before bikini season”

”I have email, don’t I? Babies sleep all the time, don’t they?”

“I never understand why women let themselves go after they’ve had a baby”

The age of Enlightenment:

“Listen, people, why did no one see fit to tell me about the …. (Leaking! From everywhere! At the worst possible times!) … LOVE. “

The Reformation

“I love you – and I’ll do anything for you – but from now on you’re doing all your own shirts”

“I love you – and I’ll do anything for you – but frankly (darling) neither of us is at their best at 3 a.m.”

The Great Inquisition

“Sure, you’ve twenty years childcare experience. I hear you – sole charge of triplets. Just hypothetically, imagine that Lillibette had fallen asleep in her pram twenty minutes before allotted nap time, and Brown Bear had been left at home. What would you do then, huh?”

“I’m terribly sorry to bother you – I can see you’re enjoying a quiet coffee. I just wanted to ask your views on the local nursery. You don’t think the staff are awfully.. young?”

The Cold War

“ I’m utterly committed to this job. However, in the absence of the company providing me with a private helicopter – or a chauffeur escort to collect my child from nursery -  I’m afraid my finish time is non-negotiable.”

Civil War

“I understand that you feel uncomfortable leaving work early – and that your boss hadn’t left yet. Now do YOU understand how I feel the other four days of the week?”

“Yes, you’re tired, and you need your sleep. I hear you. I feel your pain. I do.”

The Arms Race

“Sure, would be great for the kids to have a playdate. Let’s find a time slot… no, that day’s French lessons… nope, music and movement… can’t miss Suzuki violin … she does so enjoy Macrame… preschooler jazz is on Fridays … junior hockey Beedle Bugs next week… how are you set on the 15th?”

“A lovely day to spend with the children! Here’s my quality time schedule – divided into 30 minute timeslots of developmental activities. Darling – no, sweetheart, not the blocks. It’s time for finger painting now. No – I said NOW – otherwise we’ll be late for the Baby Yoga”.

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It’s about 2 a.m. and I’m doing my usual….up late….working…piddling…quiet me time.  I know I’m going to be sorry in the morning when the boys wake up.  Yes the boys.  My nephews are in town and you know how it is when they multiply- they wake up even EARLIER!  So at this point I’m expecting a mere 4 hours before the stirrings commence.  I slip into Liam’s room and see the 3 little monkeys sprawled all over the bed and one another.  (The 3 of them were on a queen mattress).  My Liam wakes, sits upright and is all disoriented.  I say, “I love you sweetheard”.  He replies, “Thank you”.  All those years of “Say Thank You”!  Call it indoctrination, call it politeness.  At that moment it filled me up.  By Dahna Weber

By Lisa Mendell

There is a new tech toy out called the netbook. It differs from a traditional laptop in size and features; namely, it is meant for email, web and word processing, unlike laptops which have more storage and capability for photos and gaming software. One such unit is available at Costco and www.costco.com for around $400 depending on the model. The one pictured here has a 10″ screen and is made by Samsung.

By Lisa Mendell

My computer’s hard drive went bad the other day. The tech was here the next day to replace my hard drive. Unfortunately, the new hard drive had nothing on it – not even a version of Windows OS! Talk about starting from scratch! I had wanted to do some cleaning of my computer anyway, though I would have prefered it was by my own choice and not dictated by my computer- which up until this point hadn’t given me any major problems. See, good computers can and do go bad. You just never know when…

By Sandra Beck

My sons think that their Uncle is very brave. He works with pirates, you see. They saw them with their own eyes at my office children’s party.

For one day, the office and the family called a truce.  For too long, ‘his Uncle’s work’ has been seen as a monolithic grey monster that inexorably and mysteriously swallows their uncle for sometimes months at a time. The party has given them some fantastical images about what happens between the times their uncle visits.

The corporate dining hall crackled with good tempered anarchy, The disheveled suits enjoyed the chance to be ‘humanised’ by their families. For that day only, their children became a great leveler. Parents of babies bonded over sleep loss; parents of toddlers bonded of shamefaced apologies for their little ones over enthusiastic participation.

My company had a family party too – but it was all women, great food,  and a lots of laughs. On the one hand, I’m regretful that my kids and I missed on a barrel full of laughs with my co-workers and their families.  However, I tremble at the prospect of showcasing the ineffectiveness of my legendary hard-nosed negotiating skills in the face of one of my son’s tantrums.

For a business, I think that inviting families into the office gives all the right signals and support to your staff. Too many social occasions focus around late nights and alcohol. These can be great fun for those who are able to give up an evening of their time, and able to enjoy the free flowing drinks. Too often, they will exclude responsible parents – whether its the father or uncle who is expected to look after the children at night, or the pregnant woman who abstains from alcohol. However, for a business, it is often the family minded employees who are the most motivated and settled. A family office party is a way of saying ‘thank you’ to them.

It is a lovely idea. The kids are left with magical memories. The adults feel appreciated and understood.

www.motherhoodincorporated.com

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By Susan Haid

Teaching children about death depends of course on what you believe about death yourself. This article is based on my own personal experience with death and how I have handled the subject with my own children. These recommendations are for parents and caregivers who believe in the eternal nature of the soul. These recommendations are for those who want to change the old viewpoint of death replacing it with a new and enlightened understanding of what death really is. Ultimately, this is a gift to our children because they will have the opportunity to live, and die, peacefully without fear.
As the teachers of our children, death is something we must come to understand ourselves. It is critical that we move beyond the domain of “beliefs” into the realm of experience. We can teach our children what we believe or we can teach our children from the standpoint of our experience. There is no finer teacher than experience itself. All we ever really need is an open mind to receive pure, unadulterated knowledge.
Now, here we could get into a lengthy conversation about “consciousness” and how it is NOT confined by the human body. Consciousness can travel anywhere at any time and knows no limits. This can be experienced by anyone and everyone in a body or not in a body. So, what does this tell you about death? Maybe it implies that death is simply a change of focus so to speak. Now, some would say that the experience of consciousness is just product of the imagination. But for those of us who have played with journeys in consciousness, well, our experiences simply cannot be explained away. Our experiences go far beyond the realm of the imagination and are powerful lessons in the true nature of the soul. So, because of my own vast experience over the past 25 years, I laugh at the limited and controlled point-of-view that leads some people to deny the unlimited nature of our being. And if you need your own proof, I encourage you to seek and you will find.
This brings us back to the very basic lessons we give our children about death. Based on this very brief conversation, this is what we can teach our kids:

Lesson Number 1: Death is not an end to life, it is a continuation of life. As all scientists know, energy never dies it simply changes form. We never die, we simply change form.

Lesson Number 2: We are not just human beings, we are Consciousness Beings. Consciousness is not confined to the human body. It can move anywhere at any time. Death is a release of Consciousness from the human body only. This is all death really is…much like taking off your heavy winter coat and walking from one room to another. And remember that Consciousness is Unlimited. There are many amazing implications to being an Unlimited Being. Children are not yet locked down within the trap of limited belief systems…let them live freely and openly with very simple information that supports the truth of their existence and life experience. There is just no need for oppressing, complex teachings.

Lesson Number 3: Our reality is defined by our beliefs. Let us give our children the greatest gift of all by releasing all fear teachings about judgment and condemnation associated with death. These are very old beliefs that are based upon control. In my humble opinion, it is a violation of the pureness of a child to impose fear, judgment and condemnation into the heart of a child. And how can any person die in peace with any dignity whatsoever when they are filled with guilt, fear and shame? For many of us, COMPASSION is the single most important teaching we can engender in our children. When compassion is rooted firmly in the heart of any person, there is truly no need for teachings based upon fear, shame, guilt and control. I have three loving, kind and generous children. I speak from experience.

Death is a part of life. In our family, we have experienced the transition of those who were very, very old and those who where very, very young. Death is never an easy event to face. But death is something we can experience through new eyes in a new way. Death can be experienced with dignity, honor and sweet celebration of the life lived. What is never to be forgotten is that death in not a final goodbye, it is simply a change of residence.

For more exciting information about raising empowered children, Lily’s Truth, or Susan A. Haid, visit www.lilystruth.com. What’s Your Truth? Take the journey…

By Sandra Beck

A few years ago I was taking my kids to the park on my day off.  I glanced over enviously at the group just ahead of us.  Three mothers pushing their prams, older children swirling around them so that you could not tell which child belonged to which mother.

When I was on maternity leave, I made sure to get myself out to at least one social activity every day.  Little by little, I picked up people who I enjoyed talking to.  In an emergency, I had some phone numbers of people who I’d trust to babysit. When we went out to the groups, my kids and I had a bit of a change of scene: there were other adults who could field her ‘Whyyyyy?’ questions. There were spare hands about to pick up her baby brother if my younger son was really wanting some uninterrupted time with me. When the baby didn’t sleep, my other son’s toilet training regressed and I was losing a grip on things,  I could spin it into a funny anecdote for the other mums. We’d all end up laughing together. I didn’t feel so alone any more.

When the time came to go back to work, I took great care to balance time spent with my children, time spent at work, time spent on domestic chores.  Stay-and-play and baby music was left behind as the time-fillers of my old life. I was no longer available during the week, and I presumed that I would have plenty of adult conversation at work.  I figured that home time was for gazing into my children’s eyes and doing wholesome activities together – not drinking coffee with other Mums.

It only took a few months to see that it wasn’t working. The challenges of my life had changed – but  it still felt like trying to hug an eel.  My mom patiently listened to the fourth retelling of the issue of the day.  It might be ‘do you think nursery appreciates the kids creative personality’. On another day we’d have ‘when my co-worker said motherhood suited me – was there an unwarranted subtext that he thinks I belong in the kitchen?’

 My mom and dad tried to meet the challenge – so did my sisters and brothers – all listening to all the circumstances and trying to put themself in my shoes, however, their views often seemed to boil down to ‘You work so hard. I wasn’t there, but I’m sure you handled it just right. The kids seem happy and well’.

It’s odd how, from another mother ‘your child seems happy and well’ feels like a qualified assessment, rather than sentimentalism.  ‘You work so hard’ sounds like empathy not exasperation. ‘I’m sure you handled it just right’ neatly morphs into ‘and you’d never guess what that so-and-so girl did when that happened to her’. Reassurance, sympathy and entertainment – never let your mum-friends and family go.

www.motherhoodincorporated.com

www.sandrabeck.com

By Lisa Mendell

If you feel like you need to pamper yourself, go to Bath & Body Works and check out their sales. You can get 2 lotions (8 oz) and a third for free. I also think they have buy 3 get 2 free – they did when I was there last. It would have cost me $60 but I got it for half that or $30. It helped that I had a coupon, too.

Is it me or is Bath & Body Works addictive?

By Sandra Beck

“Have you been feeling tired and run down” asked the doctor, palpating my neck glands.

I looked back at her blankly. “No, I don’t think so,” I finally answered “not when you take into account that my toddler is still waking three times a night, and I’m on my feet from dawn ‘til dusk.”

In December we got hit by a winter virus. My brother who was staying with me lay in bed shivering, unable to do more than weakly lift his hand to browse the internet.  It was ‘Man-flu’, no mistake.

He faintly acknowledged the breakfast I’d brought up to him, and watched me plump up the pillows. “I blame you, you know” he said thoughtfully “You’re never quite ill, you’re never quite well. I think you incubate mega-strength angry germs”. “Ill-schmill!” I muttered back under my breath. “I don’t have time to be ill”. Then I paused for a coughing fit that brought up a lump of phlegm the size of a golf ball.

The one time I’ve been incapacitated with illness was truly frightening. I was in charge of the kids, and I was afraid I’d drop the toddler and fall down the stairs myself.

I find I take very little time off work ‘sick’. Since I work at home 6 days a week – and have a work laptop – I find I always plump for eyestrain, carpel tunnel and a bad back from typing in bed while my kids sleep beside me. Perhaps I’m saving my Karma, anticipating needing time off with kiddy bugs and illnesses.

It worked against me when I was pregnant. I went through a patch mid-pregnancy where I was on bedrest. My view was ‘my pregnancy – my problem”.  I soldiered on as best as I could, not wanting to burden the company I worked for at the time with feeling guilty or worried about me. All I earned for my stoicism was a comment on my appraisal “I felt you took your foot off the gas a bit at that point” . Harumph. Heroism doesn’t pay.

www.motherhoodincorporated.com

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By Shannon Penrod

Okay, so here’s the deal.  When was the last time you skipped a meal?  Or stayed up too late?  Or even put off going to the bathroom until a more convenient time?  Guilty as charged?  Me too.  And from the sounds of it most of my friends who are Moms are equally guilty.  Here’s the $64,000 question: When was the last time you allowed your child(ren) to skip a meal, stay up to 2 am or asked them to wait an hour to go to the bathroom?  If you’re like me it never happens.  Sometimes a meal is delayed, sure…but I beat myself up about it.  Sometimes I let my son stay up too late (by an hour!) When I do he and I pay for it the next day and I remind myself that we are never doing that again.  If my child tells me he has to go to the bathroom I never, ever ask him to wait longer than it takes for me to drop everything and locate the nearest restroom.  So how come I don’t do that for myself?

What would my life look like if I took care of myself the way I take care of my child?  What would happen if I had a ritual of stopping everything a full two hours before my set bedtime (snort!) and devoted that time to taking a leisurely bath, reading wonderful stories, getting a full body massage with lotion and in general preparing myself for a good night sleep?  I think I might actually be asleep before midnight, I might actually sleep better and as a result I might be a happier more productive person.  Hmmmmm.  What if I made sure that I had food and drink on a regular basis, to the point of carrying a snack with me when leaving home?  Maybe I wouldn’t be so cranky when the doctor’s appointment goes long or traffic is heavy.  Hmmmmm.  What would happen if I considered the major food groups and the colors of the rainbow when I plan my own meals like I plan my sons – wait, that would require planning my meals…hmmmm.

I schedule play time for my son.  I make sure that his schedule is balanced between work and play, I schedule quiet time, outdoor time and play dates…because I love him and want him to be happy.  But it occurs to me that by not doing these things for myself I am also teaching him that when you grow up, you don’t have to take care of yourself anymore.  Uggggh, that is a punch to stomach.  I thought I was teaching him the opposite, that he is worth caring for.  But you can’t give away what you don’t have.  Ugggggh, another punch to stomach.  I want my son to feel loved and worthy of being taken care of – whether it is self care or care that comes from someone else.  If I am really committed to teaching him this lesson I have to module it. 

So I offer a challenge to all of us, all the moms out there, the self care equation for moms.  For the next month let’s all treat ourselves to the care that we treat our children to.  If we start to put our needs on the bottom of the priority pile, let’s stop and consider if we would ever do that to our children.  If we wouldn’t do it to our children, we can’t do it to ourselves.  If it wouldn’t be good for them – it’s not good for us.  If you aren’t sure, consider “If I let my kid do this how would their behavior change?”  It’s laughable.  I had popcorn for dinner three nights ago.  Imagine feeding your kid popcorn for dinner and then expecting them to behave like a reasonable person!  So for the rest of the month let’s have the same rules apply to us.  Who knows we all might feel better, more rested, happier and more productive.  Keep me posted as to your progress; I need to know if it’s just me!

By Lisa Mendell

On Saturday, I started my second 6 week session of horseback riding at One Heart Horses. I was sore afterwards, just because I haven’t ridden since October – neeedless to say, my body was just a little bit rusty! I got a different horse this year. Her name is Rosie (not the horse pictured, that’s Rosa). Rosie is 11 and has a lot more energy and spunk than nearly 30 yr. old Rosa so that was a change for me. I wasn’t quite ready for her faster walk!

Horses to me are AMAZING! They sense things that humans either have trouble sensing or don’t care to see- such as a physical challenge like mine. Horses know that I cannot move at the same rate as someone without challenges. I still don’t know how they do it.

If you have had experiences with horses, than you can probably relate to my love for these animals. So now that I’ve saddled up, I know the next five weeks will be ones I won’t soon forget!

by Susan Haid

What do we teach our children about authority?

There are several simple but critically important keys for raising empowered children. We can give our kids the tools they need, starting at a very young age. These tools will empower them throughout their lives as they grow, yet they are core values that will evolve more fully as time passes. Let me first state that by core values, I am referring to values that develop and mature from within the child and are not imposed upon the child from the outside. The point is to nurture the growth of concrete navigational equipment that is rooted from within the child and stems from the child’s own personal life experience. This will result in a powerful form of self- knowledge, otherwise referred to here as “authority,” that is ultimately deeply empowering because it is the result of actual life experience. There is no better teacher than experience itself.
There are 17 basic fundamental concepts to begin with. In this article, I will be addressing the first key concept which is “authority.” For kids, this can be a confusing subject depending on the information they are given. The bottom line, if we are to cultivate empowerment within a child, is that we must support our children in developing their innate understanding of themselves, who they are, what they think, what they feel, and what they believe. By this, I mean that we must help our children to understand themselves from the inside out first, rather than imposing concepts upon them from the outside. We must help our children not only to understand but also respect what they think, feel and believe about their life experiences. As parents, we must help our children learn to trust their feelings, instincts, thoughts and reactions. If we separate our kids from this basic and often protective information, we have unwittingly initiated their path of separation from themselves and their consequent ability to move through life in a way that is constructive and healthy.
We must become very good listeners who can listen without judgment. First and foremost, we must listen to, honor and respect the thoughts and feelings of our children. Why is this so important? You see, as a child tells us their story, our listening without imposing judgment or giving advice acknowledges the individuality of their experience and validates and values their thoughts and feelings. This allows the child’s own discovery process to unfold. This allows the child’s problem-solving abilities to develop. And most potently, this allows the child to remain fully connected to their innate and natural abilities to trust their own feelings, ideas, instincts and consequent decisions about their life experiences. This supports the development of a core value system that will be difficult to challenge because it comes from within and is based on personal, real world knowledge.
How important is this key concept of self-knowledge and authority? It is critical. By supporting kids in developing self-knowledge, we help them cut through the confusion. Confusion is based in having to weigh and balance who they truly are with who they feel they are supposed to be. There is only one true answer. In addition, often along with the development of self-understanding comes compassion, and what more valuable “core value” is true and abiding compassion?

As parents, we can give our children the confidence to trust themselves in any situation by nuturing their innate ability to choose what is compassionate for themselves and others. This eliminates the possiblility of selfish, self-serving behavior yet honors each person’s right to choose for themselves. This also leads to the development of inner clarity so that abusive people and situations are seen for what they truly are.

This is true authority. It has absolutely nothing to do with the concept of power, and this is the type of guidance our children need to live healthy, happy, fulfilling lives.

For more helpful information about building authority within children, visit http://www.lilystruth.com where you will find more exciting and supportive details.

By Lisa Mendell

This weekend I picked up Michael J. Fox’s new book, Always Looking Up, as it was mentioned when he was on Oprah the other day. I read it in two days’ time – I just could not put it down as something compeled me to keep reading. This book, unlike Lucky Man, talks about what he’s been doing since that book was released. It focuses on four themes: work, family, faith and politics (specifically his activism for Parkison’s stem cell research; it is a big part of what and who Michael is). You can get the book for $14 at your local Costco, about $11 off the cover price.

So why did I say that this book has the power of optimism? It’s because that’s the other driving force behind who and what Michael is. He has a positive outlook that combines his optimism with hope. I believe that these two things must go hand in hand in order for a person to cope with any challenge they are facing, whether it’s physical or anything else. Postive attitudes can and do make a difference in a person’s outlook and overall health. If you don’t believe me, try it for yourself. People are better off with positive thoughts and influences than they will ever be with the same amount of negative thoughts.

I think each one of us can learn something from Michael and his experiences. He has dealt with his Parkinson’s in a way that some people couldn’t. Here again, however, it all comes back to the way you view it. You can take the positive road, or you can spend hours focusing on the negative and how unfair life is. Attitude is indeed everything!

For more on the book go to

http://www.hyperionbooks.com/titlepage.asp?ISBN=1401303382&SUBJECT=INSPIRATION

By Sandra Beck

This is a story told to me by a friend and I thought some of you might be able to relate.

I started so beautifully. I was going onto a 4 day week, and I found out my new boss Amanda was also working reduced hours to make time for her family. She was glamorous, successful and supportive of her family. I confess, I allowed myself to think that I might have found a mentor.

We still fall into deep conversation whenever we bump into each other.  However, it is without doubt the most difficult and stressful working relationship I’ve had.

I’m on the cusp of going to work for another working mother, and I’m reflecting on what went wrong. Was it a straightforward personality clash? Or is it a symptom of the politics of working motherhood.

How we choose to balance our home and professional life is a very personal decision. It reflects our own insecurities that we can feel judged simply because another woman has chosen a different path. Most commonly, it is a working mum feeling guilty that she can’t bake cookies for the school disco. With two women working together, the issue is more of ‘not letting down the side’.  My male bosses seemed unconcerned about the occasional very prompt departure. With Amanda, however, I felt that I was being monitored more closely. Was she afraid that I would give mothers a reputation for being work-shy?

Amanda managed her life with an army of domestic staff. There were nannies, cleaners, personal trainers, au pairs, piano teachers – a real zoo. There was something patronizing in Amanda’s tone to me. It is as though she wasn’t making a distinction between her staff in the office, and the young girls who worked for her at home.

Perhaps it all got too personal. My male boss would never dream of putting his arm around me or commenting on my clothes. Perhaps it’s me. Maybe I couldn’t adapt to being micromanaged now that I knew I could juggle house and work and children.

My new manager has one grown up daughter, who’s been raised with the best nannies money can buy. Let’s see what she makes of me and my ragtag crew.

And for all of us with out own ragtag crew, let’s hear it for getting the job done!

www.sandrabeck.com

www.motherhoodincorporated.com

 By Sandra Beck

“I just don’t DO routines. It cramps my style” I overheard someone saying recently.

The funny thing is that I tell my 5 year old exactly the opposite every morning. “Sweetheart, we can spend all morning discussing the ins and the outs of brushing our teeth – or we can just do everything that we need to do and then have lots of time to play before school.”

Before kids, I used to be an untidy-bordering-on-unsanitary creature. It strikes me as ironic that although I’m three times as busy now, my home is cleaner and better organized.

One of the deep held beliefs that I’ve had to let go of is the ‘Magic Saturday’. On ‘Magic Saturday’ there will be ample time to catch up on sleep. Housework will get done effortlessly with some music on. My husband and I would harmoniously hoover and dust while we chat. On ‘Magic Saturday’ all the bills will be paid, and filed alphabetically. Even before kids, it was a myth – hence why I lived in mess and chaos. Now that kids are here – ‘Magic Saturday’ is a laughable dream.

I’ve had to learn about routines to deal with the fact that there is too much going on in my life for me to think about it all at once. The next best thing to having a live-in cleaner, is to be able to do the bulk of the regular chores on auto-pilot without needing to get stressed about it or think about it.

I ignore the looks from the people who knew the old me. I proudly pin up menu plans and housework routines on the fridge. Everything is in little must-do chunks. It means that I have a definite point when I’m free to enjoy my kids, or indulge my muse, or log on to check my emails.

And my kids? They have their own ‘get ready for school’ pictorial chart. It means that even my nagging can go onto autopilot: “Get ready for school, darling. Look on the chart for the next thing you need to do”.

www.flylady.net

is a great site to check out!

www.sandrabeck.com

www.motherhoodincorporated.com

By Robin Boyd

It never occurred to me that there could be more to being a mother than nurturing and caring for my children. I loved having little children around, toys about, someone always in need of something. Amidst all that growing up, it never crossed my mind that someone else would come to need me.

My mother was just embracing her independence after my dad died and, without any warning, had a stroke. Her limitations at that time were less significant, but it was evident that she would need care. I had a full time job, two kids, a husband and our house. We had to make some decisions.

Our choice to move in with her was emotional for the kids, as moving is to any child. But it was also emotional for me. This wasn’t in my plan – my vision of happily-ever-after. I thought my husband and I would see the kids off to colleges, have our second honeymoon and take up golf. Who shuffled those cards, anyway??

Not everyone would have made the choice we did, and I will say right up front that it is not the right choice for everyone. If Mom was in Nevada and we were in New Hampshire, sure this would have been a different scenario. However, this was feasible, logical, and deep in my heart, was right for us. We certainly have had our issues and disagreements. The good, however, has outweighed the bad and this journey has brought me to an awareness that those cards were shuffled this way for a reason.

Fourteen years later, we still have Mom with us, and in those years our roles have certainly changed. Here was a vibrant, feisty adult in her “day” who now is reliant on a wheelchair and Depends. Here is a mother whose hand was quick to grab mine when crossing a street and now is holding mine to help her get dressed. Here is a woman who defied her own mother to marry my father, and now will defy me on occasion because she is not ready for me to lift her off the commode. As my children changed from those little people into independent adults, this woman changed from my authoritarian to my ward.

My thoughts may hit home to many of you, and may linger for others who may come to this point in your future. I no longer work out of the house so my daily routine revolves around what Mom needs. I have to keep this in mind, though, that this is a finite time in our lives. I know Mom is content in her home, content to have her family around her, and with people in and out all the time, keeping her mind stimulated. We, too, are rewarded with the joys of a multi-generational family sharing life.

Being a caregiver sure is a balancing act. A caregiver needs to remember that while we are missing our original plan in life, this elder is very much missing their old life and independence. You find things to laugh about, things to reminisce about, and savor moments that will be fond memories in your heart.

· Remember that an elder needs to maintain as much independence as they can while keeping them safe. Work out daily routines and keep them “in the loop” of their care as much as possible.
· Help your family member stay in touch with others, by phone, email, sending pictures, etc. They need to feel they are still a part of life.
· Find something in your life that keeps you renewed. For me it is being involved in Girl Scouts, albeit an administrative role. Kids are refreshing. I find time to get to church every week because it’s my one hour to reboot my soul.
· Utilize resources when you need to, either through your state, what insurance will provide, or resources that are pertinent to your elder’s affliction. (for example, Alzheimer’s care).
· The web is filled with resources and support. (www.caring.com is one example) If you need help, find support. Your family will be the better for it.
· Become a partner with your elder’s physician or medical team. You will work with them to make this time as enriching as possible for your elder.
· Share a recreation with them – jigsaw puzzles, crafts, etc., and share feelings. Say I love you.

Whatever your decision may be if you find yourself having this choice, carefully explore your options, and explore your inner self. Find the right path for your family and literally make the very best of it.

Cards anyone? My deal.

By Sandra Beck

Those short eighty minutes between waking and setting off to work encapsulate all the traumas of working motherhood.

My son, at the ripe age of 5, is clearly not a morning person. He flops across his bed in a Dali-esque pose, idly riffing through the things that might delay his needing to get up. “I want to stay at home today, Mommy. Why can’t I? I like being with you, Mommy”. After a pause he’ll muse “I’d like to watch Shrek… I want it NOW”. Then he’d try “I’m hurt – look” pointing to a freckle on his forearm “I need to stay in bed to get better”.

(Ping! Guilt – Working Motherhood Cliche 1)

He’s quite capable of dressing himself – and sometimes he will roll through the morning chores referring to the special chart I’ve drawn for him. Other times I get drawn into putting his socks on and debating the merits of regular school attendance. Then I wonder why the morning always ends in me running in high heels.

(Ping! Doing everything for everyone – WMC 2).

The morning pivots around breakfast: we need to all be at the table dressed by 7.30, so that we can enjoy ten minutes actually looking at our loved ones. Breakfast gives us a target to work towards. It breaks up the relentless nagging and chivying with something pleasant.

(Ping! Fiercely fought for ‘quality time’ – WMC 3)

Mind you, for breakfast, and all the rest, to fall into place, I’m getting up a full hour before the rest of the family.

(Ping! Self sacrifice – WMC 4).

We have a kitchen calendar which holds all the family’s appointments. We check the calendar and pack our bags. I always double check my phone is charged; make sure I know who will be picking up the kids in the evening.

(Ping! Organizational powerhouse – WMC 5).

“Kids – I said SHOES. Not Lego, not picking fluff from behind the radiator, SHOES. That’s why we never have time to play in the mornings. We spend the whole time talking about SHOES. SHOES SHOES SHOES SHOES SHOES. Thank you. That’s better.”

(Ping! Frazzled- WMC 6).

All that – but we do have time for a lovely kiss and a hug to say goodbye and to wish each other a nice day.

www.sandrabeck.com